They say behind every great kingdom, there is a great king. Or at least I think they do, anyway. For the charming, picturesque kingdom of Fairhaven, this man was Lord Wellic Kyranny. He loves family (which doesn’t really mean much, ’cause he hasn’t got one), is friendly (only when he needs something from you), and his fatal flaw is being uncouth. But seriously, can uncouth really be considered a fatal flaw when you’re a king? It’s not like being a merchant or anything, where being a total boorish and vulgar clod would actually hurt your livelihood. On the other hand, who’d dare gainsay a king?
Now, Lord Wellic isn’t a bad man. He’s just…pragmatic. And feeling a little tired in the above screenshot. Hey, give him a break, running the kingdom is hard work! But don’t just take my word for it, let Lord Wellic take you on a tour of a typical day in his life as king of Fairhaven.
Early in the morning, the day begins with a hearty meal of bear stew (breakfast of champions!) This is also the perfect time for Lord Wellic to meet up with all his royal staff and advisors to discuss the going ons of the kingdom.
“A fine job we are all doing, lads!” he says to all. “Now what kind of death and suffering can we inflict upon the good people of Fairhaven today?”
Like all kings, Lord Wellic has a weakness for the thrill of the hunt. “If it bleeds, we can kill it!”
The royal inventory happens to be running low on whale, so Wellic is tasked to take to the high seas in order to fill the larders up again with some Humpback or Bowhead (was so about to write Sperm, until I realized how that would sound).
The crew, however, finds no whale that day. Instead, the lookout in the crow’s nest cries out, “There, over by the rocks! A mermaid, m’lord!” Indeed, an enchanting, beautiful young creature with a head and torso of a human female and a tail of a fish, sits sunning herself by the water. The men on deck are moved to tears by her sweet song.
“Pshaw!” Wellic snorts. “Everyone knows mermaids don’t exist! Harpoon the thing, butcher it for lunch, and let’s just go home already, I’m bored.”
Okay, enough mucking about, time to do some real work around here. One of the most important jobs of being a monarch is to listen to the petitions of the common people. “Perfect! I practiced extra hard on my ‘you-must-be-kidding-me’ and ‘you-are-soooo-far-beneath-my-notice’ expressions last night! Let’s go meet the peasants.”
Villager #1: I would like to have a female sheep from the royal flock. All my ewes died. May I please have one?
Lord Wellic: NO EWE FOR YOU! Do you think simoles grow on trees?! If I just simply pandered to every single bloody peasant who comes in here asking for livestock, how would I be able to afford that solid gold statue of myself I’ve been planning to install on my front lawn?
Villager #2: I seek guidance. A neighbor always leaves out food and attracts stray dogs. They’re mean! They taunt our chicken and eat our shoes! What should we do?
Lord Wellic: BRIBE ME! Not only will I sentence your neighbor to death and get rid of your stray dog problem, you can go to sleep happy tonight knowing you did a fine service to your kingdom, by generously donating to the royal coffers. Oh, don’t look at me like that. Did you think “Lord Wellic Kyranny” rhymes with “tyranny” was just a coincidence? (It was, actually!)
Villager #3: Mighty One, I have a problem. I am possessed by demons. That’s not the problem, though. The problem is that I’m beginning to enjoy it. What should I do?
Lord Wellic: GET THEE TO A TAVERN! There’s only one thing to do when you feel that good — get stinking drunk and fornicate the night away. Go on, enjoy! You’ll thank me in the morning. See, I’m an awesome king!
Time for the daily afternoon tour of Fairhaven. First stop, the Judgment Zone where the stocks are located and where the kingdom’s pet beast of justice resides. Oh dear, there’s something terribly wrong here. Lord Wellic does not seem to be liking the sight of those empty stocks…
“AH HA! Much better!” Lord Wellic laughs. “Come on, gather ’round my countrymen, don’t be shy! Hurl your eggs and rotten tomatoes at the prisoners, it’s so much fun! Especially when they are completely innocent!”
Man, all work and no play makes Lord Wellic a dull boy. One of his favorite things to do besides shirking his royal responsibilities is to sneak into the back of the storeroom and make out with that saucy foreign lass Fionnuala, Merchant Princess of Tredony.
Wellic says, “Hmm, we’ll just file this under ‘diplomatic negotiations’, shall we?”
Ah, what a nice way to end the day. The king falls into bed, glad for a hard day’s work, ready to do it all again and more tomorrow. “I am a wonderful monarch,” he thinks to himself as he stifles a yawn. “Fairhaven could not ask for a better king. I was born to do this job — I love my people, and my people sure love me!”
Huh. If that’s so, why is our Lord Wellic suddenly dreaming of assassination? Find out next time!