Fight Like A KhitanMay 14, 2010
So, you want to learn how to fight like the ancient masters, little grasshopper?
Xiaohuli: Yes, sifu, but um, my name is “Little Fox” actually. You didn’t just get the species wrong, you sort of missed the entire phylum–
SILENCE, FOOL GIRL! Do you want to pwn face or not?!
Xiaohuli: Yes, sifu, I do.
Then you shall go forth and master the legendary arts of the mighty polearm, grasshopper. Take this most sacred weapon of the celestial heavens, acquaint yourself with its power, use it to bring honor to all your ancestors who have wielded it before you.
Xiaohuli: This is a rusty pitchfork…
/facepalm. Insolent girl who say dumb things get hit with Five Point Palm Exploding Heart technique.
Xiaohuli: Okay, okay, I’ll do what you say. Just…keep that Pai Mei stuff away from me. So then, what are we going to learn first?
First, we shall master the Divine ROFLcopter technique of the Thousand River Hands! Twirl that mighty pitchfork, twirl!
Very well, cocky little grasshopper. Perhaps the Magnificent Imperial Roaring Monkey Slam technique shall humble you.
That’s it! Good! Good! Now the Jumping Jab of the Wavering Mystical Lotus!
Yes, yes! Very impressive! You have been a very good student, young one, and there is little more I can teach you now…save one last technique. But you must use it wisely, grasshopper — its touch is death, a secret power revered by the heavenly ancients, not to be used improperly or without care.
Xiaohuli: Okay, shoot. What fancy move is it going to be this time? The Invincible Smash of the Dancing Ox? The Laughing Emperor’s Harmonious Crush? The Shadow Strike of the Mad Chrysanthemum-Blossom?
Behold, the Emasculating Thrust of the Gushing Groin!
(By the way, I am loving my polearm/pitchfork twirling Guardian. Can you tell?)